Thursday, 10 April 2014

The 80/20 Rule



The 80/20 rule is a way of understanding that no matter who you fall into a relationship with, they will never be that full extraordinary 100. Instead the most you will find is 80, which to us should be amazing, right?

I remember when I first heard of the 80/20 rule. I thought it was absolute rubbish, maybe because I was so wildly in love that I believed that the man who stood beside me was in actual fact EVERYTHING I needed and wanted. What could I possibly want to change and with WHO?

We, as women (and of course men), can be so blindly infatuated with what is set in front of us that we experience tunnel vision- our partner is basically flawless in our eyes. It's only after this "honeymoon stage" comes to a halt that we start to pick at our partner's flaws, concentrating on their imperfections and what needs changing. It's as if we suddenly start to see the REAL them, realising how cloudy our initial judgement was.

Have you ever felt like the person you were dating wasn't everything you wanted? After all, nobody's perfect. Or would they be, if you could replace a certain attribute of their's with someone else's?

The mistake a lot of us women have made whilst being committed is falling for someone else outside of our relationship. Someone else comes along doing all the things we wish our partner did, and just like that, we've fallen for a 20, subcontiously feeling like they're generally that 100. Nope, WRONG.  You've just fallen with what stood out to you and that ONLY.

What about the men though huh? Men love what the eyes see on some occasions, not that I condone it or find it acceptable, but they cheat. However, they still want to be with their loyal/wife or girlfriend? *cough* Dwayne (cheating-ass-bastard-didn't-even-use-a-condom) Wade for example.

Not that all men result to cheating, but like women I'm sure they have thought "If only my girl cooked like xyz*" or "if only she had 'a bigger ass/smaller waist/bigger breasts' etc etc," forgetting what made them so attracted to her in the first place.

You may have stopped giving her attention and also stopped doing the 'little things' you did before, such as encouraging her, helping her with her assignments, her job hunting, or just simply listening.

But is the grass always greener? Are we too busy looking for perfection that we forget to make what we have stable, so instead look elsewhere constantly? Or are we trying to fill an an empty void that we didn't know needed filling till this 20 showed up? Can these be one of the many reasons relationships don't always work out? Has our generation become obsessed with trying to make it work, only with others.... OUTSIDE their relationship that 20's have become the new 100?

How do we know we're not making love and in a relationship with a 20 instead of a 80?

We don't know in all honesty. All you can do is weigh out your options & ask yourself could you really imagine yourself leaving your partner for someone new that came along or would you much rather BUILD, talk, support each other and work things out?"

After reading many articles outlining the 80/20 rule, it dawned on me just how some of us try to look for something that doesn't exist - 100. No-one is perfectly compatible with their partner. Not even Beyo.... Barack Obama and Michelle. Most of us are too busy trying to find completion in someone else that we don't look at or try to improve ourselves and more importantly the ones we share a bed with at night.

By @Oloni
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If you haven't yet make sure you head over to www.simplyoloni.com for my latest project The Experience the prelude to The Girlfriend Fluffer.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

The Experience - Edited by @Oloni

One year ago today I released one of my most memorable blogs The Girlfriend Fluffer.

With that said, I have created a prelude full of experiences people have sent me, where they felt they either fluffed someone or got fluffed.

Get it now on my NEW website: www.simplyoloni.com

Sunday, 23 February 2014

Pre-Judgement Day Review by @Oloni

Last Thursday, many gathered in the heart of London at the New Heritage Theatre to watch a play called Pre Judgement Day starring the talented Natalie Twum Barima in a one-woman show. The play itself was derived from a piece that had been performed by her before, which was originally 10 minutes long.

That night as friends, family and strangers came out to support, we all witnessed an actress who took her theatre skills to a new level. Barima skilfully managed to adopt the persona of a multitude of characters, switching between roles numerous times and giving us insights into characters from different racial backgrounds, all with varying ages & genders. She used these roles to describe the lives of many and how they'd feel if the world ended tomorrow.

From Amir who was sent to prison for manslaughter to Dermaine who seemed like he had unresolved issues and, by the reception and ongoing laughter of the crowd, the audiences favourite, Shewayway, plus many more; Natalie was able to stretch herself to embody these roles and tell the stories of each character and their mishaps.

With practically just a chair, hoodie and a nail file, the 27 year old actress entertained us all as she delivered each monologue and made everyone in the the theatre, pause, think and feel.  What if tomorrow was Pre Judgement day? What would you change? Who would you forgive? Who would you reach out to? So many questions with very little time to find the answers.

It takes a tremendous amount of talent to perform how Natalie did when she took to the spotlight and embraced each character whilst keeping the attention of the audience. The question on everyone's lips at the end of the night was simply, "when will the next show be?"

By @Oloni
Edited by @EzekielThePoet 

Monday, 10 February 2014

Top 3 Valentine's Day Ideas


What's better than using this time to buy the sexiest pieces of lingerie? From Ann Summers, Victoria's Secret and ASOS, there's something for every girl out there to surprise her Mr with.


               
VS Bombshell Limited Edition


 VS Mesh & Lace Gartier Slip

        Black VS Very Sexy Black Strappy Push Up Bra.


For any questions about any Victoria's Secret Tweet my awesome friend @Sayonaisee (she's got the hook up)


 ASOS Red Pour Moi Red Addicted Set £12

              ASOS Von Follies By Dita Von Teese Leading Lady Bustier £60

         ASOS Elle Macpherson Intimates Just For You Underwire Bra £65


  Ann Summers Klaudia Rose Gold Cami Suspender £35


 Ann Summers Delicious Delights £35

   Ann Summers Dark Romance Black £25

This next one is for the men! Most women love flowers, so before you pick up your last minute roses from the offy around from your work place, try harder by impressing her with a beautiful bouquet or roses.
You can make an order from any florists, telling them specifically how you'd like your bouquet to look or online, just in time from sites such as Nextflowers.co.uk

If you do plan on having nothing but great sex, stay indoors and make it exciting. Do and try things you haven't from, sex toys, glasses of wine, playing with fruits, perhaps different flavoured sauces and filling the room with beautiful scented candles. This is probably the only day your neighbours can't complain about the thumping, so enjoy!

Drews Cakes! @DrewsCakesUK


I saw these beautiful cupcakes on my timeline and just had to share them. Aren't they just perfect for this time of year?  

  If you'd like to spoil someone this Valentine's Day make sure you contact Drews Cakes via Twitter @DrewsCakesUK

Pre-Judgement Day

Pre Judgement Day will be taking place at 7.30pm Thursday, 20th February 2014 at the New Heritage Theatre.  Written by Natalie Twum Barima. . for more information follow @nh_theatre or @Natalie_tb

Sunday, 2 February 2014

My Sweet Valentine

Single's must really HATE Valentine's Day, or probably just don't care for it. Who knows? It's as almost as if this time of year was set out to be a taboo for them. 

I remember when rapper Wale once tweeted:

'Feb 14 is national “I’m-Jealous-Of-Everybody-In-A-Happy-Relationship" day'.

Valentine's day is a beautiful day and those outside a relationship forget this. Whereas those in relationships may feel as though the day is all about their chance to celebrate their relationship. Wrong, in my opinion anyway. Valentine's day, is a day where we are supposed to simply spread love and generosity however we choose to.

It's not only meant for those who have paired off and been together for a few months to a few years, because in reality, shouldn't you be doing these things most days anyway? This shouldn't be the only day you use to buy your partner roses or show the world via Instagram how great your boyfriend or girlfriend is. 

I see it this way, Feb 14th should be a date where those who have been 'talking' or dating someone for some time use this as an opportunity to make it special. It doesn't even have to be romantic, but just a beautiful gesture between two friends or even a crush.

Take that guy out on a date who you met once and has now been in your Twitter mentions several times in the last couple months. (Unless he's a creeper)

Ask the girl out in your class who you rarely speak to, but always smile at and say 'Hi' to.

As over hyped as this day may be, I'd be a liar if I said I didn't want gifts. You're damn right I do. I want flowers, chocolates and a card just like every other holiday.

But Valentine's Day is more than the show couples try and put on to make the world stop & stare. It's a day representing love and a day we need to appreciate love.

What are your opinions on V-Day? Tweet them with the hashtag #OlonisBlog and join in the conversation! 

........Next week, read my Top 3 Valentine's Day ideas. (Oooh I can see the guys gripping onto their seats for this!!!

By @Oloni
Edited by @EzekielThePoet

Update!



Hey guys :-) I hope you're all well. Firstly, I want to say a big thank you to everyone who has been supporting me & my lil ol blog over here at Simply Oloni. If you've retweeted a blog of mine, shared it, read it, THANK YOU & THANK YOU. It's honestly because of those reasons that I always want to bring you something new!

A little update from me to you. .

I have 3 months left of university before I graduate! Whoop.
In 3 months I also start my dream internship with Cosmopolitan magazine UK. Exciting right?
I have a surprise for ALL of my loyal readers on the 26th February!
More blogs, more sex, more relationships, more fashion and more beauty topics from me this year.

Lastly, I've just created a Facebook page so pleaseee pleaseee LIKE it for more updates on my latest projects!



Oloni x

Friday, 20 December 2013

Beyonce vs Feminism: Quick Rant


This time last week at 5:30am, I felt like the Holy Spirit woke me up from my slumber (No, seriously). As I checked my phone, all I could see were Beyoncé quotes, pictures and video links all over my Twitter timeline. I was confused as to why she was trending at this time of the morning. Was there another picture circulating of Blue Ivy’s uncombed hair? Not this time. It all made sense after a few minutes of scrolling and visiting celeb entertainment sites. The singing sensation had just released an album exclusively on iTunes.

Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve never bought a damn thing off iTunes in my life. So I quickly hopped out of bed and grabbed my debit card, and boy am I glad I did. She provided her fans with 14 songs and 17 music videos. The funny thing? Not one person saw this coming. Not ONE.

NOW my problem… Is that some blogs/sites are trying their best to look for a problem, a fault, a glitch, something that takes away from how amazing this woman is.

Earlier this week I read an article on Huffpost a friend sent me. They focused so hard on the lyrics of Jay-Z’s verse in Drunk In Love, as if everything he spat was literal.

‘Catch a charge I might, beat the box up like 
Mike in 97 I bite, I’m like Turner, turn up                                                                                                 Baby know I don’t play, now eat the cake Anna Mae                                                                           Said, ‘Eat the cake, Anna Mae!’



Because Beyoncé would really let the father of her child talk about how he abuses her on her own track. It was as if they wanted something to criticize and found that. A rap verse that was less than 30 seconds, where all he was really referring to was how he put it down in the bedroom. IT WAS FUNNY.
Then I read a rant by Jameela Jamil last night about Beyoncé labeled ‘Beauty and the Beast’ (side eyes) where she discussed how mortified she was by the level of skin that was shown in the singer’s music videos.

'Nicki Minaj, Rihanna, Miley Cyrus, Iggy Azaelea…. The list goes on of FEMALE artists who have “flaunted” what they have in the public eye unashamedly (and tastefully, in some instances). Why is Beyoncé being put under the guillotine for merely doing the same? These are just talented women who have talked themselves into the idea (SET BY MEN) that a woman’s sexuality sells above all else. They have deluded themselves into thinking its “feminism” if you get your fanny out on “your terms.” Feminism is equality. Jay-Z doesn’t get his balls out (Thank Jesus) to sell a record. Naturally, in Beyoncé’s videos, he’s fully clothed, watching her, practically nude, dance for him, be it on a chaise tongue, a pole, a piano, a steering wheel… She’s at HIS service. “She just wants to be the kind of girl he likes… she keeps singing.” What’s the message here? Like me because I am here to dance for you, to service you, to be YOUR fantasy, I cooked for you naked, blah blah blah. Naked, naked, naked, boobs, boobs, boobs, sex sex, sex, fanny, fanny, fanny…. ARRRRGGGGHHHH!'

Why would Jay-Z need to get half naked in Beyoncé’s video? He barely shows any skin in his own, and when did that become such a huge factor? WHEN did feminism become so inextricably linked with this stone-age philosophy of competing with men to secure equality? Shouldn’t women be allowed to exist INDEPENDENTLY of men without having to compete to be deemed relevant? And how does Beyoncé showing the nakedness of the opposite sex prove any sort of equality of feminism?

Feminism is supposed to focus on supporting a woman’s decision, no matter what it may be. So what if Beyoncé chooses to show a submissive side to her husband in her videos by dancing for him? So WHAT??? She’s a married woman and if she feels like singing about being Drunk in Love, Crazy In love, Dangerously in Love. . Hell. .  If she wants to be High In Love and sing about it with her man on a beach, who are we to judge? No, honestly, who are you and I?

Now unless you have been living under a rock for the last 15 years, what Beyoncé has been showing us in her videos and concerts has not changed. As much as I hate using the cliché description, wasn’t she the ‘Bootylicious’ girl from the greatest girl group of all time Destiny’s Child? Was she not the same girl shaking her bottom in the Crazy in Love video and being drenched in water as she kicked down the fountain just before Jay-Z appeared, no? Oooh and what about in the Naughty Girl video when she was in a supersize wine glass filled with champagne. Let me stop there… Before I forget my actual point… Yes. My point is that Beyoncé has not changed, there’s just more to take in, especially as it was given to us in one go. We were given SEVENTEEN videos AT ONCE.



She’s an entertainer and her way of selling music has not changed. If you fail to realise that, that’s on you & no-one else. I see it like this…. As empowering as Beyoncé is, she still wants to show us her sexually liberated side within her music. THIS is what people confuse for feminism. I’m sure she doesn’t need to rely on sex to sell, she didn’t even rely on PROMOTION to sell.

By @Oloni
Edited by @EzekielThePoet

Thursday, 19 December 2013

I Don't Date Black Women: Quick Rant


'I don't like black women, they're all (loud, rude, fit appropriate, yet negative adjective here)'

'But your mother is black'

'I don't want to marry my mum do I?'

Yes this was a tweet I posted last night, where some men chose to argue and miss the point of what my 140 characters meant.

We know you do not want to date your mothers, that would be incredibly gross. However responding in such a manner would mean you've missed the entire point.

Generalising women and your own race not only shows ignorance towards your culture, but the people who raised you and I. I repeat, we don't want you to date your mothers. . but let me keep it real if I ever heard my son say 'I don't date black women because they're too aggressive' etc. I'd be deeply offended. What the fuck did I raise?

 A black woman was WHO raised you.

Black men understand this, black women do not care what race you find attractive, when it comes to preference that is an entirely different argument, but the moment you use derogatory words as to why you dislike us, then it becomes mind baffling.

If you can't express any type of love towards us, well how will other racial backgrounds?

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Your Favourite Blogs By Me From 2013



The Girlfriend Fluffer (Do women give men power?) | Tuesday, 26th February, 2013 | The popular blog written by myself earlier this year, where I discussed how some women prepare the man they are seeing for the woman he eventually falls into a relationship with.

'When you show an unwavering amount of loyalty to a man, some guys see it and may want to take it to the next step of becoming ‘official’, whereas others could manipulate the situation and abuse it. It’s all about being safe because essentially no girl wants to be a ‘Girlfriend Fluffer’, it never ends in their favour.'

Are Titles Important In Relationships? | Monday, 25th March, 2013 | When I asked people on my Twitter timeline how they felt about titles within a relationship responses I got were:

'You have to respect the people outside of the relationship who may care [about the superficial things like titles]. Not the person who is just nosey & want to know your business. Defining the relationship is not just about the people who are in it sometimes'

Is She Emotionally Slutty? | Friday, 24th May, 2013 | Sharing your emotions or feelings with someone is sometimes seen as the easiest way to form a relationship with a  friend or a lover, but how soon and often do you do this?

'Most emotional sluts understand how strong a relationship can be built if it’s fed off emotions. They can also be false adverts towards the gullible. With the baggage they release they create a false attachment causing the man to believe there is some connection when, in actuality, it's superficial. As the man, you feel as if you've created a bond with someone who was an absolute stranger just a few weeks ago. Do such connections exist and can they happen just like that? Of course. Sometimes.'

Rock, Paper, Boyfriend | Tuesday, 16th July, 2013 | Have you ever been in a difficult situation when it came to your partner and friends? This blog discusses the infamous term 'Chicks before d*cks' and other problems one might face in thee type of scenarios.

'When your friend has a boyfriend you’re uneasy about, it can be the downfall of your friendship. It’s the worst. I once had a friend who had a new boyfriend, as soon as that relationship started we never saw each other as much after a while and that was fine, because what new couple doesn’t want to spend every moment of every day together?'



Would Bad Sex Ruin Your Relationship? | Tuesday, 13th August, 2013 |

'Sometimes men believe that if a woman doesn’t climax then the time spent being intimate wasn’t pleasurable from her side, which is false. Women are still able to enjoy sex without climaxing, believe it or not. However, you’d be very surprised by how many times a female has to fake a climax just so it will be over'

How Many Female Friends Is Too Many? | Tuesday, 18th October, 2013 |

'Does having too many female friends mean anything anyway? Could he genuinely just enjoy the relationships he has or could this just show insecurities on our side? Besides…would we complain if these females had their genitalia replaced with a male’s?' 

Are Abortions The New Age Contraception? | Monday, 25th November, 2013 | Here I write about how abortion is being treated after more than 50 years of legalisation as a contraception in 2013.What are your views are you pro choice or pro life?

'There have been many arguments surrounding the topic of terminating a pregnancy before a certain time frame. Some have argued that a foetus is still a human being despite the stage of the pregnancy, whereas others have asserted that a foetus is just a number of cells therefore not breaking any human rights. But is conception and birth just a false threshold to define the meaning of life? Or are we neutralising the topic by saying life begins at birth?'


Magazine Obsessed


If you don't know already, my obsession are magazines, but most importantly writing inside them. From fashion, sex, friends, lifestyle. I enjoy it all. This year I started writing for Amor Magazine! . . 
 Check out some of my work below.


If you would like a freelance writer for your blog/magazine e-mail me itsOloni@gmail.com

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

#DearOloni I never wanted an abortion in the end.

Hey,

 I just came across your blog and decided to email you. I thought that I would share my point of view about abortions with you. I fell pregnant about this time 2 years ago, I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was 4 1/2 months (I had a small stomach) When I found out I was pregnant I didn’t want to keep the baby, the first decision I made was to book an appointment at a clinic and to get rid of the pregnancy, I was all set to go and then I started to have second thoughts, my friends advised me to tell the father We were not together we were just 'seeing each other' at the time. When I told him I was pregnant he wasn’t happy and was quite upset with me (as if I got myself pregnant) I told him I wasn’t going to keep it and he was happy about it. It came closer to the date to get the abortion, I was truly and honestly scared shitless!  I asked him to go with me but he said and I quote "I’m busy"- At first I pretended that didn’t care but I did. 

I missed the appointment to go because I felt dizzy and was vomiting so I made another appointment, before I could go my mum realized that I was pregnant and advised me not to do it. I didn’t care because I never wanted to be a mother. So I went to the clinic anyway, they told me that they couldn’t do it because I was too far along, so then it was time to tell the father.

I told him that I didn’t do it and the first thing he said to me was ‘Why?’ I guess that's understandable I said I was going to and I never, so he wants to know why. I explained about how my mother found out and told me to keep it and how I went there but they told me I was too far gone. He then got very angry with me and started saying that I was trying to trap him and how he wasn’t ready to be a father and that I wanted to ruin his life. I was surprised at some of the things he was saying to me. We never spoke for a couple of days and after he calmed down he told me, that he simply didnt want to be involved with the child so I said okay, I had to accept that I was going to be bringing up this child by myself, my family wanted to inform his parents about the situation but I told them no because I respected his wishes and didn’t want to force a baby he doesn’t want. So we stopped talking about a month before the baby was born and we haven’t talked since. I had a boy, his name is Emmanuel, he's almost 2 and I have to say he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know that sounds really cliché, but its true! I am so happy that I didn’t get rid of the pregnancy. 

Anyway I just wanted to say that, For me being pregnant for someone that didn’t care hurt so much, sometimes when I think about it I still cry and during my pregnancy I cried every day at some point I even started having suicidal thoughts. So my advice to all girls is if you’re going to sleep with a guy, please make sure that if you were to get pregnant that he would be there for you because even contraception isn't 100% effective, or just don’t sleep with any guy until you are married, because I do love my son, my only regrets are of me having sex in the first place and like someone once said "Having sex unprotected is like magic, once the baby comes the father disappears"

Kind regards,
 Siobhan xo


P.S I don’t mind receiving emails or giving advice to anyone that needs it 

Monday, 25 November 2013

Are Abortions The New Age Contraception?


 Writing this article has probably been the toughest for me to blog about, primarily due to the fact that abortion is a sensitive and controversial subject. So when I originally compiled this blog post in February 2013 earlier this year, I found it difficult to distinguish the best angle to take without stirring up too much controversy. However, the longer I procrastinated on writing this article, the more I realised that abortion isn’t a topic that we can pretend doesn’t exist, nor can we avoid bringing the discussion to the forefront merely because someone may find the subject matter slightly uncomfortable.





Earlier this year I watched a documentary about abortions in the UK entitled ‘The Great Abortion Divide’. As the documentary came to an end and I was left with just my thoughts, I began to think about what my views were when it came to the moral standing regarding abortions.

Should abortions be illegal or remain permissible by law?

Do women have the right to decide when they can terminate a pregnancy?

And as the saying goes, “it takes two to tango”, but are men truly entitled to an opinion on the female body and what she does with it? And how valued is it that said opinion?
                                                         
I've heard so many scenarios whereby women who have had a moment of carefree frivolity with a man just once and once only, which then resulted in a pregnancy that she decided to continue with without the option of abortion being considered.

The reaction of the male, you ask?
'Why in God's name would you want keep it?'
 'I'm not ready!'
 'I don't even know your last name'.
‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

Literally.

Here’s a question for my male readers…
What would you do if the last person you had unprotected sex with, who you weren't in a committed relationship with, fell pregnant?

Part of the mainstream media have made it trivial for women who fall pregnant outside of wedlock or a relationship with the burden of being branded as a female who has intentionally 'trapped' a guy with an unplanned pregnancy, even though both adults consented to having sex without any form of prior contraception. But of course we have the scenario whereby he wants to keep the child but she doesn’t agree because “it’s my body!” and has an abortion regardless of his wishes.

So where do we draw the line?

Does having a ‘last resort’ abortion prove to be unethical? Some may argue that there are so many other incentives put in place to prevent unwanted pregnancies that abortions shouldn’t have to be an option.

Is having an abortion the question, and is the only solution ‘yes’?

It is reported that over 300,000 women a year go to the clinic to terminate unwanted pregnancies for different reasons. That works out to be way over 600 procedures each day. It seems as though the number of abortions that took place 50 years ago were lower, but why? Was the legalisation of abortion a form of women’s liberation, aiding the forces of radical feminism that has now seemed to have lost its meaning? Or Is it a ‘privilege’ that is being abused and becoming the new age contraception?
 
A girl I had met during my first year of university, opened up to me about an abortion she had at the tender age of 15. I don’t know what bothered me most about the situation. The fact she had just told me, a person she had only known for 5 weeks, about such a sensitive subject in such a blasé manner or how she swiftly changed the content of the conversation without a pause in her speech after dropping the bomb like it was an everyday thing that happened.

Friend 1:-‘How was your day today?’
Friend 2:-‘Weren’t bad, went shopping and had an abortion, yours?’

I didn’t ask her why she decided to have an abortion, my main concern was if she knew about the ways she could have prevented herself from becoming another teenage statistic.

I’d like to believe that the government have funded the NHS well enough to provide several different types of contraception to avoid terminating a pregnancy, so why are the figures so high?

I interviewed a spokesperson from Marie Stopes International, an abortion clinic in London to find out if the women who do come in for any type of consultation are aware of all of their options when it came to contraception, to which they responded that: ’Women are not educated enough on contraception and there certainly is not widespread awareness of the failure rates of pills and condoms. Long Acting Reversible Contraceptive methods are the most reliable (IUD,IUS, Implant, Injection), giving peace of mind and meaning that women can be in control of their fertility. '

There have been many arguments surrounding the topic of terminating a pregnancy before a certain time frame. Some have argued that a foetus is still a human being despite the stage of the pregnancy, whereas others have asserted that a foetus is just a number of cells therefore not breaking any human rights. But is conception and birth just a false threshold to define the meaning of life? Or are we neutralising the topic by saying life begins at birth?

I had a conversation with a close friend of mine named June, and she commented on the matter by saying: 'I believe women should have the right to make choices, and while writers and advocates often focus on how "women should prevent this from happening," I personally think that it is important to remember that women cannot conceive without a man. Larger societal themes are at play here, like for example the glamorization of unprotected sex in Hollywood and the music industry, premature sex without proper sexual education, not to mention the ever growing culture of sexualizing women and the hypermasculized, almost animalistic male experience of "I'm tryna smash!!" and at most times delusional assertions that “she wants the D!”. Surely a woman has a right to decide what is best for her and her life. Abortion shaming and silence is a real issue, women need support, not judgemental remarks when they’re in these very vulnerable situations.

The burdens of parenthood ultimately fall on the woman alone in most of these situations. While I think I'm pro-life for my personal life, I strongly believe that it is not for us to regulate other people's outcomes or police their bodies. I know they know better for themselves then we do, and am therefore pro-choice. -June, 23, VA. 

A German philosopher named Immanuel Kant had a theory based on deontological ethics. He explains his concept of morality and how ‘some acts are right or wrong because of the sorts of things they are, and people have a duty to act accordingly, regardless of the good or bad consequences that may be produced’ and I believe this motion can be applied before succumbing to the decision of having an abortion.

If that's the case, terminating pregnancies would be made illegal based on the fact no matter what the actions were. 75 percent of women who have an abortion are either worried they won't be financially stable to take care of the baby or feel as though by having a child it would end up hindering their education, especially if they had to raise the baby alone. With actions, come responsibilities which then leads into duties.

Contraception has one aim and one only, to avoid unwanted pregnancies. With that said, is our generation forgetting about the other risks such as STI's, STD's, HIV and AIDS? Or do we just not care enough?

I'm all for female empowerment, for as many of you know, to empower means to educate. I believe a woman who has control over her situation at the time, should consider all of her options. Was the legalisation of abortion in 1967 passed down for those who aren’t ‘ready now’?  Or for women whose health could be at risk as well those who fell pregnant through crimes such as rape or child abuse?

 


I wouldn’t say I’m pro-life activist, but a writer with pro-choice views and believe that every woman deserves to have the right to decide what she wants to do with her body, but also educate herself with the various choices which are available to her before having to make such a life changing decision.

What are your views on abortion? Join in the debate with the hashtag #OlonisBlog 

Written by @Oloni
& edited by @AprilOffDuty 

Monday, 11 November 2013

#DearOloni University & Men

Hi, 
I like your blog and I like your words they're really good, I was wondering whether you could do a blog post or maybe just reply with some advice. 
I'm third year student at uni and I haven't had the typical university experience (NO CLUBBING, NO BF'S NO, I DIDN'T EVEN JOIN ACS MUCH) I wanted to do all these things but because my course is hard and I have to focus I don't have time plus I didn't move out. Don't get me wrong I have friends and we chill but most of the time I'm just focused watching university friends have fun sigh. 
ALSO I started talking to this guy last year it was nice we both didn't want relationship but company I guess (we weren't even friends with benefits) after a year of talking we were chill but like he says he's not ready to date and if he was ready he would date but a week late he's in a relationship. It's kind of annoying and upsetting I'm happy he's happy don't get me wrong I DIDN'T REALLY want to be in a relationship I guess I'm going to miss the company. I'm a 21 year old virgin and never really had a boyfriend but yeah...what your opinion on university working hard and guys? 
I assumed I would meet my husband at uni haha 3rd year and NOTHING, I KNOW, HARD WORK is better and I do enjoy uni. I understand that I should just work really hard because life is too short...and I need that 2:1 haha.
But i don't know just wanted to hear your words..on university, guys and feeling lonely.
(I would like to remain anonymous, but don't mind if you incorporate the story into a future blog post)
Best wishes,
a girl.

-------------------------
Hey! Thank you for e-mailing me.
You've done absolutely nothing wrong but go to university and get your degree. Do you know how many people get blinded once they've hit the uni scene? They forget what they worked hard for, why they've left their parents house and what the sole purpose of university is.
I think your situation falls under 'wanting/having it all'- You're just about to finish your last year at uni and if I'm honest finding 'the one' shouldn't be on your mind. If it happens, then kudos! But if you're striving for that 2:1 then let that be the only thing on your mind, if I'm honest, don't go looking for what isn't there.
You still have time to socialise with friends once you're done with higher education. You still have jobs to apply for where you could potentially meet the one, do you know how big our city is? Do you know how many network/social events take place every month where you could meet a lot of great new people? Take ADVANTAGE of that!
As great and big as university is, I learnt after a while that I saw the same faces over and over and over again. . so I don't blame you if you feel like you never/couldn't meet anyone. 
Being in a relationship won't necessarily stop you from being lonely, I feel like by keeping yourself busy you fill in that missing hole. As soon as you hand in your last assignment, go out more, try different places to meet new people etc.
Just carry on working hard and everything will fall into place, promise.

Oloni

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If you have any dilemmas you'd like to e-mail me, do so with the subject line as #DearOloni to itsOloni@gmail.com


Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Oversized Coat Trend



So yesterday Sandra and I hit the streets of West London to take photos of people wearing one of our favourite trends this season, oversized coats! We decided to stop those who fell under this category and people we just thought looked cool. Some of where they purchased their jackets are in the description under each photo, followed by their relationship status. . I was just curious. 

Name: Gersande  - Coat from? Rick Owens 

Name: Chloe - Fur coat from? A charity shop!
In a relationship for 5 years.

Name: Pier - Coat from? Brick Lane

Name: Oh - Coat from? Chanel

Name: Nigel - Coat from? Angus B

Name: Bethan - Coat from? Mango - Very Single.

Name: Amy - Coat from? Topshop - In a relationship

Name: Benjamin - Coat from? Edun - Single 

Name: Sharmoni - Coat from? Scotch and Soda - Single/Complicated

Name: Elizabeth - Coat from? Asos - In a relationship

Names: Chie & Mami -  Coats from? Vintage shops in Japan - Both Single

Name: Vicky - Coat from? Topshop - In a 2 year relationship 

Name: Ariel - Coat from? Topshop - In a complicated relationship

Barbara & Andrea just looking fabulous!


Photography by @HeySandySunday

Friday, 1 November 2013

Are Men Born to Cheat?



"There's no point leaving your man if he cheats on you, they all do it you just have to find a man that's respectful enough not to do it in your face".

R.E.S.P.E.C.T?

The controversial rant comes from a tipsy almost-30-year-old, eldest of the circle of friends at a birthday drink up as she speaks her "truths" based on her studies of experience. According to her research at the University of Shit Relationships (don't enroll it doesnt exist) her pessimistic findings left me, a newly single girl, with nothing but a deep hole in my stomach and in my already bruised heart.

A hole with little hope of being replenished as young men of my peer group nodded, applauded and spudded her. "I'm telling you bruv, she gets it. Us guys are dogs. All your boyfriends have cheated, all your husbands will cheat- even my married pastor with 3 kids takes off his halo and wedding ring once in a while for a quick beat. We don't mean to it just happens init."

Members of both sexes agree. Another girls adds "Trust me, all men are the same no matter what age." My heart sinks. WTF do i have to look forward to? To shreds go my imaginary wedding invites.

So you mean to tell me that one minute we'd all "til death do us part" then BAMM next minute Death walks in in 6 inch Loubs, 28" Peruvian extensions, wet lips and 32DDs squeezed in a catsuit that unzips at the crotch. Leave it!!!

A more articulate fella steps up and over the laughter, commentary and eye rolling, his voice demands order. He singles me out: "Your parents are still together yes?" "For over 24 years" I nod confidently "And your dad's never cheated nah?" "Well. No. But. Still" My stutter lets me down and exposes my fathers shameful ways. Exhibit A for his case.

His point was that men have been infidel since the beginning of time - it's nothing new nor is it the reason for a high rise in divorce. "Women of our generation are weak- they quit their relationship instead of trying to fix up their man and save their family like strong women like your mum and aunties"

Strong sister or dumb doormat?
Though i've always hailed my mum as the strongest wisest lady i've ever known, i've often questioned her decisions in remaining not only married to a sucker for temptation but also LOYAL to this otherwise well educated, great father, home providing whore trap victim.

But that's just it. "Men don't fall for tricks" I smile at the pun as my best friend continues, "they CHOOSE to cheat so it's a conscious decision."
This point I find is true. It takes for one to allow himself to get into a situation or expose himself to temptation. Things don't just happen. Sex doesn't just do itself.

What you don't know won't hurt you.
Well i don't know about you but im not about to be sitting in a corner singing "i don't wanna know if your playing me keep it on the low".
"All you need is a hubby with a conscious. Whether its behind your back in a clean fashion a few times or he's genuinely sorry he slipped up, as long as he loves you as his main woman that's all that matters" says Miss Been there done that.

What would Beyonce say? We've all sung "To the left, to the left" but you reading this now can think of at least 3 different women that have held on to their cheating partner. Since when was tolerating boys behaving badly the new way of proving you're ride-or-die? What an ironic way of showing strength and independence.

Nonetheless i opened up the conversation further by asking:
Under what circumstances shall i forgive a cheater?

- If they used a condom?
- if i found out after months?
- if i cheated first?
- if we have kids?
- if it was just emotionless sex?
- if it was only one time
- if i know he really loves me?

A friend expressed her opinion... One that even i found harsh. She goes "When we're defining cheating, even if a guy LOOKS at a girl and gets an erection, that counts as cheating".

Turnt tables

Lord knows I would be cyber slated on Twitter (which is pretty much todays equivalent to stoned) and branded a cheap hoe if it was made public that I cheated on my bf. (i didn't btw) We are told BY MEN to think like a man but to act like a lady. I'm no feminist and i'm certainly not a lesbian but What if i don't want to act like a lady?!

Men are somewhat excused by the horrific theory that they are genetically born to cheat. "God made us this way" a fool ad-libs flashing his gold tooth with a remorseless smirk. "Chicks aren't meant to cheat". Look at Lucy off TOWIE, branded Essex's pretty little jezebel while Ricky is still getting it in.

Self fulfilling prophecy

Men have accepted they are dogs and us women are sadly accepting this label WE created. Chilvary went missing with Nemo a while back and now faithful, caring, honest, loving guys are being called "soft" or "moist... Or the extreme term... "Drakes". Real niggurs cheat. Apparently.

Hiphop tells us frequently our men "don't love them hoes"... But you still fuck em tho! If you don't fancy your lady anymore DUMP HER!

My nameless friend's response to why men cheat was as simple as this: "...because the opportunity presents itself. However, the individual more than likely plays a part in creating that opportunity which might later present itself as a platform to engage in a more severe form of interaction." Simple, honest, extremely unfair. Okay, women cheat too (and many do it without a single trace) but could it be that the majority of blokes just 'can't help it'.

"To an extent yes i do believe men are somewhat naturally polygamous compared to women but I'd like to think our actions aren't completely governed by our primitive instincts" comments anonymous friend number 2.

A colleague read my draft of this post and expressed her own theory. "I reckon cheaters, men or women actually enjoy the thrill of the drama. I think they like playing a risky game"... If this is true guys, I recommend Russian Roulette - you'd be in your absolute element.

Though rare, some men won't cheat. The notion that men are meant to cheat feeds us the thoughts that it is okay. But it's not ok. A girl sets the level on what's ok. Once he cheats once and you say it's ok then he will do it again. If you must leave every guy for cheating, then leave! We need to come out of the culture of ride or die. Where we going and why have I got to die?

Yes my parents are still together. It's rare, it's beautiful - even more so if it's glued together by the "kids" but what example does it set for their beloved offsprings? To me it says make do with the jerk whose bullshit you can manage. My thoughts? Fuck that!

I'm still certain that not all men cheat. Perhaps though, fidelity is thing of maturity, which very sadly doesnt come with age. Naive i may be but it's nice to hope good guys exist. I'm no male basher and would happily give credit to those who say NO TO HOES!!

Here's hoping my mumma doesn't read this. Cheers... To faithful relationships.

Use the Twitter hashtag #BornToCheat to join the conversation.

By FiFi Afobe
Twitter: @FIFI_LONDON

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Where does the love go?

  'Love doesn’t go away just because you declare you’re moving on’

The love we have for our partners seems personalised, it’s as if the love was designed for them and them only as the days, weeks and months go by. It becomes so natural that not loving that person makes you feel empty.

It grows and becomes a part of who you are and ties into your life ever so neatly. With this moving energy we call love, you sometimes find yourself showing that person how much they mean to you through bountiful acts of kindness. Most times you can’t help it, but why should you? You can’t control love, and that’s because it wasn’t designed to be fought. So if that love that grew becomes a part of your life also, what do you do with it once it’s over? How do you unlove someone? How do you stop caring about the things that shouldn’t matter to you any more?

How many female friends is too many?



Being in a relationship with a man means you’re placed on a different pedestal compared to any other woman in his life, apart from his mother of course. Sometimes we often expect the man we’re in a relationship to cut down the communication he has with other women. It seems so natural to do so as it would put any girl off if every other woman he was friends with, gained the same amount of attention only you are supposed to be entitled to.

 Does having too many female friends mean anything anyway? Could he genuinely just enjoy the relationships he has or could this just show insecurities on our side? Besides…would we complain if these females had their genitalia replaced with a male’s? 

 A male friend of mine had this exact same issue, where he felt he had a lot of friends who were women. Relationships which were all strictly platonic, but admitted that after meeting someone he cared about, he wanted to slowly nip those friendships in the bud. 

 I’ve had countless phone conversations with girls who drive themselves crazy because they can’t stand the fact that their partner has so many friends of the opposite sex. Some would expect the transition to slowly convert once you’ve become exclusive, while others wouldn’t feel the need to. Friendship has no gender – right? Or does it?

Monday, 7 October 2013

Let the Readers Write - THE WINNERS


Last week I asked you wonderful people to send me an e-mail including an article which you'd love to have appear on my blog. My inbox was full of so many GREAT and interesting blogs that I had to create a special folder. I had so many different posts, that I couldn't pick ONE like I said I would initially. So instead I decided to pick three very different articles which were sent to me. The WINNERS were @MsThorne_ @LongForLaz & @Nubiancake. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who took time out to write something and send it in to me. I  really appreciated your efforts. Even the kind words that were said after I replied to those who I didn't pick still made me smile.

Anyway. .  here are the blogs I REALLY loved. I hope you all enjoy it :-) 
______________________________

A Turn Back For Poor Souls.

 By 
 Isis Monaé
 @MsThorne_

 It never happened any other way. Being caught in the moment, in a tense position, doing nothing but awaiting his response. The power one text had to determine if either of us was worth the time, energy or wait anymore. The feeling of everything until now being nothing but a lie. The feeling that everything labeled “real” was on edge of coming to an end.

After 5 months of arguments, tears and stress, I could think of nothing but his passionate kisses and over powering touch. Reluctantly, I could feel his delicate, soft lips melting mine like mountain snow over summer sun. Thoughts of his sex appeal caused me to confuse the difference between reality and fantasy. Thoughts creating a dull ache between my legs, feeling my sex lips opening up. So shamefully damp. My fingers slid up against my ribcage, triggering fireworks in my body to send off. It seemed so surreal, not to mention… perfect.


 Captured.

 He was right where I needed him, inside me. A place where the heart could not provide for just anyone nor’ absorb hidden emotion. I was forced to send him a text letting him know my mind, body and soul were not home without him. This was a different type of feeling. My ache had already expanded into a pleasurable, pulsating sensation. Warmth suffusing my lower belly, my clitoris starting to retract as my climax grew near and more exposed. This sexual thirst was not prepared to give into the temptation. I knew I should not have swallowed my pride. He could not give me anything that my minds fulfilled other than shower me by means of sexual, mind –blowing goods that left his imprint on me. He had me wrapped around his finger although I repeatedly tried to convince myself that what we had was yet to be “Love,” Just desirable “tricks” managing to satisfy both bodies combined. Descending ring of Tamar Braxton – The one echoed my surroundings notifying me of his response. “I’m still here and I’m Coming.” It read, interrupting my hormones reminding me the cause of my attachment. This hold he had over me, sent me back to square one. This was due to become nothing but fun, games and “no strings attached” which I would still get tied up in. My acquaintances called it the “Rollercoaster” though this battle had no real name. I could do nothing more than prepare myself for the ride. It was officially out of my hands. I will not kid myself, I was ecstatic for what he was due to surprise me with this time. A tiny cry of disappointment as it could not take place at this current time. “Canes, Handcuffs, Spanking?” These thoughts just intoxicating my thoughts consistently.

 We were constantly fighting this endless war though we had an undying love. Suppose we were the ones that never got away. Inseparable. His succulent flesh and deep creation was my addiction nonetheless, never caught me off guard. Knowing what was due to take place made it more unbearable to escape simply because I couldn’t get enough. It was time.


 No change of why I kept going back.

 His compassion and endurance. His enticing, seductive smile that instantly drenched my panties and inner thighs. His grip overall. Young black ambitious guy, striving towards his dreams moreover forever taking risks. His dark, intense eyes that could examine further than what could be seen. His exhilarating touch that scorched my skin. His low, penetrating voice that sent electrifying shivers down my spine. Just reminiscing about such perfection, intensified my feeling. The entrance to my vagina instinctively tightening, sending increased pressure of sharp pleasure through my lower body. I knew who and what I wanted and “Mr. Right” ticked all those boxes. He was the definition of my dream man. Literate, motivated, the type to help others and incredibly captivating in bed. All inequalities making him irresistible with “Belongs to me” permanently marked over him.


 The facing.

 Forever busy, communication and his pride were the most concerning and problematic. Having to feel like every little thing had to prosper into an argument was his deepest flaw. Giving his 24 hours to his boys and feeling like it was acceptable to not check on me every other day also added to the list. He continued to doubt he was the man for me when all I needed was right in front of me, his mirror reflection. There were times I found myself in tears apologizing for his mistakes more than he probably took time to visit, me.

 I don’t know what hidden agenda attracted me to this male but I couldn’t. get. enough.

He was everything I personally shouldn’t have been drawn to as my feelings were always disregarded. What I truly needed, he could not provide and no matter how many times I told myself that that, I always found myself skin to skin with him. Harsh breaths and sweat sliding down my breasts while fulfilling his needs with sore back scratches as well as vicious moans.

He would pull down my panties and close his mouth around my vulva, gently open me up allowing his tongue to caress me. Throbbing sex. The pleasure grew, throwing my head back as delicious sensations washed over me. Shaking as a wonderful climax rippled through me. Despite all doubts and flaws, he was whom my heart desired. Everyday, I had visions that put aside all our drama, the “rollercoaster” would finally end and we could eventually tie the knot on a platform, building our empire. Today wasn’t that day.


 Fast Forward. 

 Yesterday, I sent a duplicate text to see if chances were high of him astounding me or quickening my heart rate. Still, the same anticipatory reaction. It was still and always had been him who my heart longed for.

 Deep desires and caskets of love wrapped so preciously to protect us from any negativity willing to strike. At last, I felt like the belt to this rollercoaster had unraveled. The warmth filled me knowing the feeling of a fresh start. I watched the glistens in his eye, blinking passionately. The struggle of searching for his heart had ended. It was there pounding in front of my eyes. The beauty of holding on to what is yours. The rollercoaster had become nothing but empty seats and poor hearts. And I wasn’t turning back.

 Has your ride finished or is this rollercoaster still occurring?
________________________________________________________

Be Who You Want To See. 
By 
Larry Owereh
@LongForLaz

Why do friendships have to be so political? One has to operate a certain way so that it doesn’t displease the other. Is that being fake? Or is that being friendly? I see many friendships founded on a “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch your back” basis, rather than just enjoying each other’s’ presence, happiness, trust and fun!

 You can’t like someone just because of what they can offer you! A friendship is just like a relationship, where its “what do you bring to the table.” Is your presence enjoyable? Are you respectful and a blessing to me? Is everything we do mutual? It’s not about “Joe Bloggs gives me this, therefore I can only give her/him this much, otherwise it would not equate to what he gave me” I believe with genuine friendships you should receive what you put in; if you show no love, no compassion and no respect in a friendship then don’t expect that to come back to you because you don’t deserve it! If you’re giving someone all of those qualities and they are not adding it back into your life, you my friend need to remove them from yours. 

What we need to do is appreciate the friends around us, filter out who is genuine and who is out to just use others. I won’t lie and say this is an easy task to know who is really there for you and who isn’t as that is a job in itself. However guide your heart, walk with common sense and wisdom. Know what people’s motives are and be very mindful of the way they act. One way I do this is by seeing and hearing how they talk about others; old friends, people they hate and others in passing. You can tell a lot about that because you then get an idea how they talk about you to others.

 I believe that friends are the family members we choose, so don’t let just anyone in your circle, aura or surroundings so they can suck out the fire and spirit within you. Have people around you who help you grow so that you can be able to reciprocate that and more back. When you’re down or going through a difficult situation you need someone who is there on the other end of the phone or table to help you out. Especially those who know there’s a problem without you even speaking. But also be that person as well to someone or a selective few people. In today’s society people want to be selfish (let’s be honest, sometimes you just have to be) however, choose the right people to be selfish to, not everyone has to be treated like an unknown in your life when they deserve a better footing. There is a time and a place for everything.

 All in all, be open to knowing people, it’s not good for the heart and soul to be so cut off from people because the people you trusted destroyed your trust. But be mindful and protective of your heart because, as simple as it may sound, it is your heart and that is sacred. Be the reflection of a true genuine friend, then you’ll see people who are true and genuine flocking to you.

 __________________________________________________

Protect Your Heart 

 By
 Modestine Bokete 
 @Nubiancake

 ‘I played the game in a way in which I could not get hurt... I was selfish yes in the same breath I can't take risks with my heart...'

This may not be Socrates or taken from an established journal article but when I read this tweet it, it spoke volumes to me.

I've realised that actually I've taken a lot of risks with my heart. For the benefit of others...because I felt it's important to give people a chance and not live by bad past experiences. But the truth is past experiences *should* shape us. They should change us. We're all very aware about how history repeats itself. Dating, having sexual relationships with people, going out with someone...all of it includes risks. Every single one of them. Before you decide you want to give someone a chance this is just something you should always have instilled in your mind. Simply because if things go wrong and you sincerely never acknowledged that possibility, it can break you in ways you never believed were possible.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad for guarding your heart, not friends, family or that blooming love interest. No one. At the end of the day, if a prospect love interest doesn't understand your reasoning then they don't deserve your time. Why try and make things work with someone who doesn't understand you...think about it in that way.

 Even this 90 day rule you people harp on about...it was never that deep. Do it when you feel like it, it's entirely up to you. If you want to wait it out, go ahead. Why take risks because you think a guy will go get it elsewhere...surely if you think that you're wasting time on the wrong person? You cannot live to impress the opposite sex because you will never be happy. Even men, why rush into it? Where does it say you must dive in as soon as possible? Even if a girl looks like she's on it there's actually no need. It can be negative for men too. I've been in love once. It wasn't planned, in fact a couple weeks before we started talking I had just ended things with someone else. I was really just ready to take on the world. I had structure, I had a plan, I was motivated to find peace and happiness in the things I do.

When we met I was at a good place, mentally. I was sceptical about him, I didn't want to get hurt. I used to pray about him all the time. I prayed that his experiences in his life wouldn't lead him to hurting me...What I find strange is how people view falling in love. Like it's trap and someone just comes and steals your heart...to me it's not. I don't believe in 'the one' or soul mates and that crap. For me it was about opening myself up, allowing myself to believe in us. Fully, with no fear. I had no fear, not even 1%. No doubts, I really believed that no matter what, we'd always be there for each other. He made me promise him many times that I'd never leave him and when I did I always meant it. And without details...well he just broke up with me. After a very silly argument...

Was the worst period of my life, for various reasons. You never expect people you think that care about you to leave you in your time of need. Honestly, the only thing that still breaks my heart to this day is how much I allowed it to hurt me. It was like being choked 24/7, I'd wake up in the middle of the night and involuntarily cry and struggle to stop. If you've ever experienced emotional turmoil you'll know that it physically causes you pain as well and sometimes when I was lying down and not crying I'd tune in and focus on the pain. Try and feel all of it so that one day I could look back and know to never risk my heart again for anyone...

 Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm a positive person. I always try and give situations and people the benefit of doubt. And I do believe in taking chances. Sometimes you just have to otherwise you end up living a very sterile life. All I'm saying is you should always be prepared for what life could throw at you. And I don't just mean that in a negative way, if life throws you someone wonderful, you should also be prepared to just be happy...

 Everything takes time. If you've just met someone great...be patient and wait for what the person has to show. If you're going through a rough patch with someone you care about, give time for things to get better. That rush and desperate need for things to 'get back to how they used to be' will cause you more pain than happiness. Not to mention leave you in a pool of over thinking. And if you've lost someone you care about give time to mend yourself. You don't have to rush that either because the worst thing is pretending that you're over it and then those feelings creeping up on you when you least expect it. No matter how long it takes, just makes sure when you're done, you're really done.