Wednesday, 10 September 2014

The Lab Rats Of Online Dating - And Why It Doesn’t Work





No, no, no, no, no, no, yes, no, no, no, no, maybe, no, no, no, no, yes……….
Sounds familiar?

It is surprising how many dating websites and apps work in exactly the same way. Sign up, tell them who you are and what you do — ok, here are the people you might like.

After that, its a numbers game. Sift through thousands of profiles and you might get lucky. Who determines your potential matches? An algorithm, as clever as it is, is still a machine that operates under certain rules.

These two like tennis” — Match!!!
These two are both in London” — Match!!!
These two gave the same answer” — Match!!!
You end up with an experience that is a little like movie suggestions. You like Comedy, so here are a few titles you might likeNo, no, no, maybe, no

Really? Is that the best you can do? Should choosing a soulmate be similar to picking a movie? Where is the human aspect? We are talking about relationships, not products!

That said, sometimes you will come across someone great. He or she has an interesting job, you have a lot in common, you live close — it might just work! It all looks great on the screen, but after meeting them in person, you realise that the image youve created in your head is way better than reality. After a while, people just give up (Subscription?.. Seriously??). “Ill never find someone special here”, “online dating is not for me” — rings a bell?

And thats where the industry has got it all wrong — not in a small way, but in a fundamentally big way.

The problem is not in the lack of likeable candidates — there are a lot of great people out there. The problem is in the discovery method. Algorithms just dont work. On top of that, turns out people who sign up for these services just might be experimented on (read: I date, therefore I am a lab rat). Thats all to keep that matching algo working (or did they just run out of ideas?).

Wait, pause there for a second. Experiments — what do you mean? They deliberately give me bad candidates? Huh??.So how do I know which match is an experiment and which one is a genuine match that I might like? Biiiig problem, disaster!

Well, the good news is that there is another way. Get rid of the matching algorithm. Who will provide matches for you? Simple. Your friends.

Hitch is dating app. Well, not really. Its a matchmaking app.
Your friends set you up. With whom? With someone they know, but limited to their Facebook friends. So it will never be a complete stranger, but a friend of a friend.

To make it more interesting, the chat is anonymous at first. All you know is the gender and age of the other person, as well as the name of the“Hitch” who has set you up. Will it be someone you know? Not necessarily, but you know for sure it is someone in the Hitchs friends list.

If you like them, send a reveal request. Once accepted, both revealthemselves — name and profile picture. Who is it? Who is it? Who is it?

But I am in a relationship already, I dont use dating apps. Hitch is not a dating app, its a matchmaking app.

Have you got a single friend? Have you got another single friend? Could it work? Only one way to find out!

Oh, and once you set them up, how do you know if they are chatting? Well, you can see how many messages theyve exchanged (no, you cant see the actual messages). “527 ? When are you guys going on a date already??”.

Dating shouldnt be like shopping for food in a store in another country where everything is in a language you dont understand. Life is random enough.
Friends know better

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

#SimplyOloniSexFacts




There have been some interesting sex facts I've come across these past few days and it only felt right to share some with you.

Check them out!


#SimplyOloniSexFacts You can burn up to 200 calories during the first 30 minutes of sex.

 #SimplyOloniSexFacts The average length of a vagina is 3-4 inches says Lissa Rankin, MD, gynaecologist.

 #SimplyOloniSexFacts According to http://guyism.com 15% of men have a penis longer than 7 inches.

 #SimplyOloniSexFacts Sexomnia is a condition where a person will engage in sexual activities whilst they are asleep.

 #SimplyOloniSexFacts there's 36 calories per tea spoon of semen.

 #SimplyOloniSexFacts studies show that having sex once a week can improve your immune function by 30 percent. 

According to Women's Health, studies show that lesbians orgasm MORE. #SimplyOloniSexFacts

 Have you got any interesting sex facts to share? Tweet me them @Oloni

Thursday, 21 August 2014

#SITUATIONSHIPS



Situationships are one of the most unhealthiest bonds between a male and a female. It's so unhealthy that they've had to give it a new name. You're in a 'situation', which in reality means you're not single, but you certainly can't see anyone else. Does being in a situationship mean you're still not allowed to flirt or date anybody? It's beyond complicated that nobody knows the rules, which initially causes the arguments. However, when both parties know they're committed to each other and each other alone, there is no space for confusion.

Situationships have become the substitute for relationships in 2014. It's scary to think we're living in a society where sex is more of a focus even if things aren't working out, but why are we settling for that alone? 

What makes a situationship different to a relationship in reality? Are some of us unknowingly in a broken one that only works well when legs are spread apart beneath the sheets? Have we told ourselves this is all it can be, because we're done trying to fix what's causing the arguments and fighting? "As long as that spot is getting hit and that climax is felt, what's there to really resolve?"

What causes them?
I have this ideology that it's mainly due to the lack of respect between both people OR not being able to let go, especially if you've known each other for a very long amount of time. You become reliant upon each other but at least one party is clued up to the fact that it's only a temporary forever. There's no real future here but it'll do for the time being.

How long do they last for?
There's no exact time limit to how long these situationships last for, however what is true is that they are very poisonous. These confusing complications usually start with people who refuse to leave each other alone and always seem to worm their way back into each others lives. We all know someone who has been in some sort of situationship for many years.

I had a friend who was on and off with her ex for over 3 years, 'Oh Oloni you know there's always one! The one, you just always go back to.' She exclaimed over the phone to me. Things never changed between the two. They fought, cried, had sex... But couldn't work out their differences. It was hard for the couple because they had grown up together. When you become so close with someone, and have been through all sorts of mess it makes you wonder if the respect and love is still the same, or just gone completely out of the window. You feel devalued, but also know they will always come back. 

Is love ever included or just the familiarity of having a certain lover in your life? 'Titles ain't shit, if the story doesn't match it'. 

Nonetheless, situationships are NOT always based on the physical. I repeat IT IS NOT ALWAYS BASED ON THE PHYSICAL! But by how sex is viewed and seen in society today, it's the biggest type. Emotional situationships do exist and there is a much deeper side to it. There are plenty of people who have been dating for a while, on and off but have probably not seen each other's bedrooms and are still lined up inbetween the words 'situation' and 'relationship', with no sense of direction of where the relationship is going. This is also how it starts. 

The only way to not fall into the trap of the most common type of situationship is by not giving your all and replacing it with the only thing that may make you happy for a few minutes. Sex. Yes, it feels great and there's nothing better than sleeping with a person who knows your body, but sometimes you have to sit back and ask yourself is it worth it? Is sex with xyz more valuable than taking the risk & actually seeing if there's a future on the horizon by communicating openly? For once at least. If you want more but you're getting less, walk away.

Situationships take two. 

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Why You Should Vote For Me To Win The #CosmoBlogAwards


*WAVES* Right, so ahem. Hello guys, this quick post is me explaining why I'd like you to vote for me, but most importantly why I'd LOVE to WIN the #CosmoBlogAwards. I gave a quick update about myself last night on here, explaining how I'VE had this blog since 2008. I may not have blogged every day, but I've been incredibly consistent, especially since I'm STILL blogging in 2014 (check the archives).

Simply Oloni has helped me realise so many things in terms of my career path, trying to figure out men and even friendships. It's been a huge source of practice in my life, for so many years and I see as a record as my growth as a writer.

I still get emails from girls telling me about their whole love life and what's beautiful is the fact that even though I always state I'm not an agony aunt, there are still women who want to tell me about their relationship issues, or how my blog made them stop and think about any situation they are in.

This isn't just a hobby to me, it's literally my life. My passion lies in writing about, sex, love and lust. I enjoy exploring the many sides of a relationship between a man and woman. It's all I ever talk about, relationships.

I'm still amazed at the fact that each post I share on sex and love gets over 2,000 views in one day on average. I'm still in shock that I gained over 500 subscribers in one WEEK when I first released #TheExperience -. . If I'm honest, I'm surprised people read my work.

If you've RT'd, shared, liked OR spoken about my work. . thank you SO much. Saying that please make sure you VOTE !!

Is Hooking Up for You? by @Shannontboodram





I love Shannon and I've shared a lot of her work on my blog in the past. She's encouraged me to do so many things and I just had to share this video of hers. She discusses hooking up and the different phases you go through after having sex. . very poetic and informative might I add.

REPOST: The Girlfriend Fluffer


 




I remember a few years ago reading an article by Julia Allison in Cosmopolitan discussing what it means to be a ‘Wife Fluffer’.

Wife Fluffer, n. – The last girlfriend before the wife. The girlfriend who prepares a guy for the woman he'll marry.

It later hit me that although there are women in apparent loving, committed and long-term relationships; it seems that most usually have no idea that they are what Allison calls a ‘Wife Fluffer’. Similarly there are girls who don’t realise that they are in fact the ‘Girlfriend Fluffer’, until they have invested time and emotional attachment into a guy she believes could possibly be her boyfriend but instead is unintentionally prepping him for the next girl that comes along.

Becoming the embodiment of a ‘Girlfriend Fluffer’ typically means showing a man you’re currently ‘seeing’ but not officially with, how much you need, want and/or desire them. You’ll be surprised by how some men lack confidence, until we, as women, have put them on a pedestal and shown them their potential.

So how do we put them on this pedestal?

Simple.

By frequently showing a certain amount (too much in most cases) of love and attention. It’s as if we emit over the confidence they failed to exude prior to the relationship which, in turn provides the guy with the power and a ready prepared positioning in the drivers seat.

When you show an unwavering amount of loyalty to a man, some guys see it and may want to take it to the next step of becoming ‘official’, whereas others could manipulate the situation and abuse it. It’s all about being safe because essentially no girl wants to be a ‘Girlfriend Fluffer’, it never ends in their favour.

‘Girlfriend Fluffers’ give their all into one person without gaining anything back, but to see the man they were with pursue another woman. It would make a girl think, ‘Well why wasn’t I good enough?’. The answer? You probably were, but chances are it had nothing to do with you, but one thing, the power you so willingly handed over.

 Below are 3 different types of Girlfriend Fluffers, if you’re any of them, abort, abort, abort. .

1) The ‘Shooting in the Gym’ girl 
I’m sure, you’re familiar with the Drake line, but she’s the girl who motivates him and pushes him to do better and be better. She’s there for him and his goals, helps him to believe in himself. These type of Girlfriend Fluffers probably turn crazy, because they usually end up on the phone talking to their best friends. ‘I was there for that ni**a’.- Nope you chose to commit as a fluffer.

2) The ‘fun’ type of girl
She doesn’t want anything serious and enjoys the dates here and there, you can really relax with her because you know you have nothing to worry about. The sex is amazing and she’s ready, whenever, wherever. Till later down the line after one of the greatest orgasms, she turns to you in bed and asks ‘Where is this going?’.

3) The ‘I-CAN-CHANGE-HIS-MIND’ type of girl
These are the delusional women who probably give men the biggest headaches as well as love. Yes, both is possible. He repeatedly said from the beginning, he wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship. So instead, you hang on for months trying to change his mind. You care for him, open up to him and try to build a relationship to show you can both trust each other. You know, the stuff you do when you’re IN a relationship.

Eventually she get’s tired of trying and leaves. The outcome, the next girl that comes along he decides to be in a relationship with. In all these different examples, it still shows how women can give and give to a man, only left to be the fluffer for his next relationship. The worst type of person to give any sort of power, affection or love to, is someone you’re not committed to.

 Maybe the next guy that comes along will be fluffed for us, some girl has to do it.


       Dear Girlfriend Fluffer,    

              

                How can I ever express my gratitude? You taught my man a lot of things, I’m glad I never had to!


I wouldn’t be here without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.


Love, The Girlfriend.

x


Written by @Oloni
Edited by @AprilOffDuty

For the original blog and comments click HERE 

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

#VIRGINITY


Remember when you were younger and you always thought about the perfect way as to how you’d lose your virginity. If you’re like me, you wanted it to be with someone special, someone who meant something. I get emails regularly from young girls always asking when they should have sex. WTF? Right, I know. Nobody, including me, can tell you what to do with your vagina.

What I did notice was the craze of girls just wanting to have sex, with no actual idea as to why. This is the part where we blame the media. Anyway, I was 18 when I lost my virginity and in a happy relationship. It wasn’t anything to brag about because any woman will tell you their first time is not the greatest, however my group of friends wanted to know the ins and the outs. If I had an orgasm, what the penetration was like etc etc. I was the second girl out of my friends at the time to have had sex and all of a sudden it felt as if there was this race to do 'it' amongst the remainder of my friends. But why? Just to say you’ve done it? Who would know if you hadn’t? We don’t walk around with the word ‘VIRGIN’ tatted to our forehead. Or do we? Are we now able to tell who's a virgin and who isn't?

A friend of mine was in such a rush to lose it, she met a guy off Facebook and had sex with him in the back of his car, after the first hook up. As crazy as it sounds, she was content with everything and just happy that she had finally had sexual intercourse. Saying that, I don’t know how she feels about it now. Fast forward six years, I wonder if she regrets it. 

Women who do not have significant others are planning when they will get sexually involved with a guy. Although when you think about it, do we really need to be in a relationship before we go to such an extra mile in this day and age? Or should it matter more when it’s your first time? 



From what I’ve noticed in some young women, rushing to lose your virginity doesn’t stop in your early or late teens. There are still women who are in their mid to late twenties who are probably tired of waiting. So instead sleep with the guy who’s what you could say the "most relevant" to them. They could be dating, 'talking' or maybe just good friends. Sometimes women too get fed up of being the last one amongst their friends to get sexually involved with a guy. They're not able to participate in the conversations about the embarrassing one night stands, the sweaty love making, eyes rolling... You get my point. However, that doesn't change the fact that there are still some women who are proud to have held on to their purity, despite the pressure they may have faced all the way into their late 20's. 

I've always felt that, with sex being such an easy thing to get, it had to slowly lost it's value, but what about the importance of a woman's first time, has that too?

What are your thoughts? Join in the conversation by tweeting me, followed by the hashtag #Virginity.

By @Oloni
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Make sure you vote for me to WIN the Cosmo Blog Awards - Best Sex & Relationships! VOTE HERE!!

Update!

It's so weird, I remember starting this blog a few days before my 18th birthday. I knew nothing about men, dating, love or sex. I just liked writing about different journeys in my life.

A few weeks ago I celebrated my 24th birthday. I also graduated a month ago, whoop. That's right I'm officially a journalism graduate from the University of Bedfordshire.

                                                
                                                                            
                                                           


This year has been quite amazing if I'm honest. I had the chance to work at Cosmopolitan, which was just a dream of mine and now I have been nominated for the Cosmo Blog Awards for having the Best Sex and Relationships Blog. Make sure you VOTE! 



Thursday, 7 August 2014

Let's Talk Sex! by @AyshiaArmani

Ayshia Armani hits the street of London and talks to the public about sex!  She asks different people about their experience and explores the many sides, such as sexual positions, sex toys. .ooh and oral sex of course. Watch below and comment!

2011: Throwback - Can I Call Him First?

I decided to dig VERY deep into my archive and look for past blogs I had written years ago on relationships. It made me cringe, but also smile, especially as I saw my growth as a writer.

---------------------------------

It’s kind of sad in a world where wars are going on and poverty is still a big problem, the things that worry and go through the minds of some women is if she should call him first or generally call him at the beginning stage of their relationship.

So there’s that cool guy you’ve gone out on a date with, he’s amazing, the conversations are mind blowing, there’s that connection, but what bugs you at the side of your mind when you’re at home ‘should I call him?, nah I don’t want to seem like a loser nor clingy. . I’m the girl he’s supposed to take lead’ you even go to your girlfriend for advice to which she says what you were already thinking.

In this day and age where women split the bills during dates or even worse, pay for THEMSELVES I disagree with the whole ‘he’s the man, he should lead’.

When I was 16 I read a book in my local bookstore, called ‘The Complete Book of Rules: Time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right’ I was amazed by what I was reading, it seemed like the author wasn’t trying to help you find ‘Mr. Right’ but turn you in to a spinster. Each chapter went into do's and don’ts on dates and outside of dates.


‘Don’t accept Saturday night dates after Tuesday’

‘Never call him first nor stay on the phone longer than 15 minutes’

‘During a date, leave after 45 minutes, don’t tell him why. Just say you have to go’

Not quoted exactly, but from a good memory this is what I remembered.

Yeah, that book was crazy but was designed for crazy women. You shouldn’t let a book nor pride get in the way of a relationship if you genuinely like someone. The foundation of your relationship is friendship, if you were to call any other friend you wouldn’t think twice, what makes him different?

Sometimes overthinking actions can be immature, ‘Should I speak to him first?’, ‘Should I say hi first?’, ‘How long should I wait before I respond to his BBM?’.

What are you saying Oloni? What I’m saying is, I’m a victim of being that girlfriend who always gets asked the silly question of the next move, which isn’t even technically a move. We're in the year of 2011, things have changed, women pay for bills on dates, women also call men first.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Interracial Sex







A week ago I was on a training programme in Birmingham and was integrated with people of different ages and ethnicities. The conversations we had were expansive and thought-provoking and saw us exploring the nuances between the existing cultures in today's society. We were asking each other questions about the stereotypes of different races and whether or not we'd bring someone of another race home.

The topic of sex and relationships came up, which was when one of the white guys randomly told me he'd love to date a black woman as he finds them sexually attractive (I can't wait till he reads this). He went into detail about how he'd love to sleep with a girl from an African/Caribbean background, but has been intimidated by all the ones he had met in Birmingham. Too intimidated to make any sort of move on them.

This was when I posed the question: "Would you marry a black girl?"


After a few giggles and a moment of silence he explained that, at this point in his life, he could only see himself marrying a white woman.

His interest was just sexual and more like a fetish, which made me wonder... "Is there an obsession with wanting to sleep with someone of another race, just to say you've done it? How are these obsessions embedded within us: is it a case of innocent curiosity or is there more to it than that? Do women also have this on their bucket list?" Many things started running through my mind during this exchange with him. The way I see it, unless other races have two vaginas instead of one, the sex would still be sex. However, it was interesting to listen to.

As the conversation went on, it was clear this stemmed from porn. Duh? I know right. It seems like some men still fantasise of what sex would be like if they slept with someone from another race, completely forgetting that everything they might have seen or heard doesn't always happen in exactly that way.

I once read a blog about an oriental woman who was mad that her sexual partner kept making her watch interracial porn and role playing everything that was seen. The blogger explained that, to some white and black men, Asian women were supposed to be seen as 'submissive whores' in bed. This was probably due to how some Asian women in porn respond by forcing the sexual simulation, which would turn on the man, perpetuating these unrealistic expectations and fantasies men watching these interracial porn clips have when it comes to bedroom performance.

Even when writing this post, I googled the word "Interracial Sex" and what did I get? Pages and pages of PornHub and XVideoes greatest clips. I myself should have known better but I was looking for articles on this topic and got the total opposite.

With the confusion of "Porn vs. Real Sex", there are still other things that are also misconstrued when the the subject of sex arises, like the average size of a penis and the noise a woman may make if she orgasms etc.

Are we obsessed with what we see as a whole in porn? Or do some of us try things out of our comfort zones to see whether we might like it or not? You can't really have an opinion on something you have never tried, regardless if it's a fetish or not.

 After all, what's that popular saying? "Once you go black, you never.." Yeah, that.

By @Oloni
& edited by @EzekielThePoet 
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For more exclusive posts join my mailing list over at simplyoloni.com 

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Black Women Who Want Lighter and Whiter Skin







"Cosmetic companies that do produce skin lightening products have been profiting for many years on the insecurities of darker skinned women "



Women have always been obsessed with their physical features. Are our waists small enough? Does our bottom look good when we throw on our favourite dress? Although it’s all well and good to look your best, where do we draw the line in order to look and feel attractive when it boils down to our appearances? Make up and getting a new hair colour has always been the famous tricks, even push up bras, but it seems like some women of colour are pushing to new extreme levels such as bleaching their skin.

Afro-Caribbean hair and beauty shops across the UK are known for selling creams which lightens the skin. With names such as ‘Whitenicious’, ‘Maxi White’ and ‘Caro White’  there’s no secret behind the purpose of these products. Some might think does having lighter skin equal beauty? And if not why are they being sold in shops and targeted at black women?

The creator of Whitenicious who calls herself Dencia told Channel 4 News recently that her product was simply a dark spot remover. She insisted it was only called Whitenicious because
‘White means pure’ and added: ‘Some people do not feel pure with dark spots’. 

Dencia explained the cream is supposed to be used for tackling hyper-pigmentation, even though the image for the product tells a different story.The cream uses an image of herself with a porcelain complexion. This is one of hundreds of similar sold items targeted at black and Asian women in order for them to lighten their skin colour. 

What some women don't know when bleaching their skin are the side effects caused by the hydroquinone which reduces the concentration of the melanin within dark skin. Although Whitenicious doesn’t include hydroquinone, some other skin lightening products do. The chemical slowly strips away the the first few layers of skin colour, till it's left with a much lighter tone and different shade. 

Hydroquinone is not permissible by law in cosmetic stores in the UK as some of the side effects include kidney damage, headaches and nausea. This also takes away the natural form inside the body that ultimately fights against skin problems due to the sun and increases the chance of skin cancer. 

Many businesses within the UK have been fined for selling such skin damaging products. In early 2009 a man who was not only selling illegal medicine, but also skin bleaching creams which contained corticosteroids and hydroquinone was fined with a total amount ot £80,000.

‘Unfortunately, many skin- lightening creams contain illegal compounds that can damage your health,’  said Indy Rihal from the British Skin Foundation. He also added that ‘The most compounds are high-dose steroids’ 

In September 2010 a member of the public informed the trading standards that 
a beauty stall owner in Peterborough City was selling lightening creams which also included hydroquinone, the owner was fined £1,000.

Skin lightening includes so many risks such as the thinning of skin, uneven skin and colour loss, different forms of irritation and a very blotchy appearance. 

The retail outlets and companies who do sell these creams demonstrate that we are now allowing others to determine what is identified as beauty, which includes lighter skin to look more caucasian. 

There are also many dark skinned women who find it difficult to accept the colour of their skin due to the types of black women that are seen within the media. Lighter women, such as Beyonce, Alesha Dixon, Rihanna and Halle Berry. Darker skinned women are rarely seen on TV or glamorised in which the way lighter skinned women are, perhaps if there was a change so many young women wouldn’t feel the need to want to bleach.

Lupita Nyong’o’s extraordinary performance in 12 Years a Slave had the media in a frenzy for a few months after the release of the 31-year-old’s film, where she won an Oscar for her role. So many women of colour celebrated not only her win, but what she represented, a dark skinned woman who had finally been acknowledged and looked up to as an inspiration on the big screen.

At Essence’s Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon in February, the actress Lupita spoke about  a letter she had received from a fan who thought about using Whitenicious. She said:’I want to take this opportunity to talk about beauty, black beauty, dark beauty,’

Lupita added: ‘I remember a time when I too felt unbeautiful. I put on the TV and only saw pale skin, I got teased and taunted about my night-shaded skin. And my one prayer to God, the miracle worker, was that I would wake up lighter-skinned. I tried to negotiate with God: I told him I would stop stealing sugar cubes at night if he gave me what I wanted, I would listen to my mother’s every word and never lose my school sweater again if he just made me a little lighter. But I guess God was unimpressed with my bargaining chips, because he never listened.’

This speech gained the attention of so many people, especially Lancome, who announced that Lupita would be their first black female ambassador.

Cosmetic companies that do produce skin lightening products have been profiting for many years on the insecurities of darker skinned women. With a huge star like Lupita now in the eyes of the media maybe this can slowly change, especially as she also graced the cover of  Marie Claire in February.

 Young black girls hardly ever see women of colour on TV let alone on magazine stands. It still remains that women of colour are still underrepresented in all areas of the media including fashion and beauty. 

There was once a time where we were able to read reviews of beauty products to help improve the conditions of our skin. Now, instead there are reviews which advise darker skinned women on ways to lighten it. There are numerous online where women are told which creams work best for getting rid of blemishes and how to create an even skin tone. Websites such as skincare.lovetoknow.com have given many reviews on skin products such as Ambi Fade Cream, a cream which is supposed to help get rid of hyperpigmentation but have advised readers to stop using the product  ‘once your desired skin tone is acheived’ even as it includes two percent of hyrdroquinone. 

Has the phrase 'black is beautiful' lost it's meaning and are those who produce the products encouraging it? With these products being sold just over the counter at beauty shops it’s looks like this adds towards the self hate of some darker skinned women, as they’re being told what shade of skin is more accepted.

In a recent survey it was shown that out of 100 black females between the ages of 18-25 
32% weren’t happy with the colour of their skin. 48% admitted that they thought other complexions of black skin were more attractive compared to another.

When asked which colour of skin they all felt was perceived to be attractive over 90% said lighter skin for various reasons.

‘More commonly, a lighter shade. In my opinion. I feel the medias exclusion of darker skinned females has conditioned a lot of minds into rejecting us.’

‘Lighter skinned women because that is what is perceived in the media, also because of the existence of skin bleaching creams.’

‘Light skinned, I feel like maybe because white people have portrayed their skin to be "superior" it has filtered through into black people.’

‘Lighter skin is often considered as being synonymous with beauty; or society's image of beauty rather. I think this conception stems from a socially constructed image of beauty and historical factors dating back to slavery where there was a hierarchy of slaves based on complexion.’

Naomi Aregbs a 22 year old student who had tried skin lightening admitted: ‘I thought about bleaching because when I was younger, I used to think that the prettiest girls were light skinned,’

She also added: ‘boys would prefer to be with them over darker girls’.

‘So I thought if I bleached, I would become somewhat desirable in the eyes of boys/men.’

Another student, Victoria Bell,18 explained why she thought about skin bleaching, but why she never went through with it, saying: ‘I was young and it was promoted that lighter skin was the best skin. The tabloids etc weren’t publicising darker women at all’

Victoria explained: ‘I was young and young minded and grew up to be comfortable in my own skin’ 

There are some young women who have grown to be comfortable within their natural appearance, whilst still thinking about the option of skin lightening, and other women who are now growing to see stars such as Lupita Nyong’o grace the scene, but what if Lupita Nyong’o is just an example? A trend for now. The western audience seem to always dictate what beauty is so much that groups within the black community have been created. ‘Team light skin’ vs ‘Team dark skin’ a phrase often used by those of a darker complexion and a lighter one. It’s become such a big deal that those of colour have even decided to segregate themselves under their complexion of skin in teams. What does the term mean? And is either team better than the other, especially when both are simply black groups?

As different women purchase different substances to lighten their skin it shows how they’re trying to fit into a category of what the media may determine as beauty, but without thinking of the repercussions it could cause their health in the long run. Whilst women are going through many procedures to feel more beautiful and appealing, skin colour is still playing a major role within in it in today's society, especially if black women are still being defined by the complexion of their skin.

I interviewed an anonymous 22-year-old woman who explained to me roughly on why she had bleached in the past.

What made you think about bleaching your skin?
When I was in secondary school I would constantly tan with the white girls never considering that getting darker was an issue. One day after enjoying the sun I came home and my mother asked to speak to me. During this conversation she told me how dark I had become and gave me some bleaching cream and  told me to lighten my skin and avoid the sun.

Have you continued? 
I continued off and on for about three years after being given cream as she also introduced bleaching to my 2 sisters and it became a family norm. Although I no longer bleach as it is costly, hard to maintain the lighter skin colour and I don't want skin cancer.

Did you feel more accepted when you started to bleach your skin?
Yes, one incident occurred when I was working at Abercrombie and Fitch surrounded by light skin black people who started chanting “Team light skin’. I felt like I was a part of an elite group.

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Written and Edited by @Oloni - Dami Olonisakin -
Originally written May 5th, 2014 

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If you haven't yet make sure you head over to www.simplyoloni.com for my latest project The Experience the prelude to The Girlfriend Fluffer.


Friday, 2 May 2014

Nominate me! Best Sex & Relationships Blog #CosmoBlogAwards





Hey guys! I'd really appreciate it, if you could all nominate my blog for Best Sex and Relationships Blog for the #CosmoBlogAward 2014!

I've been blogging for over 7 years (no word of a lie, check my archive lol)  about different aspects within relationships as I've grown up. I've also covered everything from, being bad in bed, to knowing if a title is as important as it's made out to be within a relationship!

If you have enjoyed reading any of my blogs then PLEASE nominate me! It only takes two minutes here's the link: 


SimplyOloni.blogspot.co.uk

Thank you!!

Thursday, 10 April 2014

The 80/20 Rule



The 80/20 rule is a way of understanding that no matter who you fall into a relationship with, they will never be that full extraordinary 100. Instead the most you will find is 80, which to us should be amazing, right?

I remember when I first heard of the 80/20 rule. I thought it was absolute rubbish, maybe because I was so wildly in love that I believed that the man who stood beside me was in actual fact EVERYTHING I needed and wanted. What could I possibly want to change and with WHO?

We, as women (and of course men), can be so blindly infatuated with what is set in front of us that we experience tunnel vision- our partner is basically flawless in our eyes. It's only after this "honeymoon stage" comes to a halt that we start to pick at our partner's flaws, concentrating on their imperfections and what needs changing. It's as if we suddenly start to see the REAL them, realising how cloudy our initial judgement was.

Have you ever felt like the person you were dating wasn't everything you wanted? After all, nobody's perfect. Or would they be, if you could replace a certain attribute of their's with someone else's?

The mistake a lot of us women have made whilst being committed is falling for someone else outside of our relationship. Someone else comes along doing all the things we wish our partner did, and just like that, we've fallen for a 20, subcontiously feeling like they're generally that 100. Nope, WRONG.  You've just fallen with what stood out to you and that ONLY.

What about the men though huh? Men love what the eyes see on some occasions, not that I condone it or find it acceptable, but they cheat. However, they still want to be with their loyal/wife or girlfriend? *cough* Dwayne (cheating-ass-bastard-didn't-even-use-a-condom) Wade for example.

Not that all men result to cheating, but like women I'm sure they have thought "If only my girl cooked like xyz*" or "if only she had 'a bigger ass/smaller waist/bigger breasts' etc etc," forgetting what made them so attracted to her in the first place.

You may have stopped giving her attention and also stopped doing the 'little things' you did before, such as encouraging her, helping her with her assignments, her job hunting, or just simply listening.

But is the grass always greener? Are we too busy looking for perfection that we forget to make what we have stable, so instead look elsewhere constantly? Or are we trying to fill an an empty void that we didn't know needed filling till this 20 showed up? Can these be one of the many reasons relationships don't always work out? Has our generation become obsessed with trying to make it work, only with others.... OUTSIDE their relationship that 20's have become the new 100?

How do we know we're not making love and in a relationship with a 20 instead of a 80?

We don't know in all honesty. All you can do is weigh out your options & ask yourself could you really imagine yourself leaving your partner for someone new that came along or would you much rather BUILD, talk, support each other and work things out?"

After reading many articles outlining the 80/20 rule, it dawned on me just how some of us try to look for something that doesn't exist - 100. No-one is perfectly compatible with their partner. Not even Beyo.... Barack Obama and Michelle. Most of us are too busy trying to find completion in someone else that we don't look at or try to improve ourselves and more importantly the ones we share a bed with at night.

By @Oloni
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If you haven't yet make sure you head over to www.simplyoloni.com for my latest project The Experience the prelude to The Girlfriend Fluffer.

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

The Experience - Edited by @Oloni

One year ago today I released one of my most memorable blogs The Girlfriend Fluffer.

With that said, I have created a prelude full of experiences people have sent me, where they felt they either fluffed someone or got fluffed.

Get it now on my NEW website: www.simplyoloni.com

Sunday, 23 February 2014

Pre-Judgement Day Review by @Oloni

Last Thursday, many gathered in the heart of London at the New Heritage Theatre to watch a play called Pre Judgement Day starring the talented Natalie Twum Barima in a one-woman show. The play itself was derived from a piece that had been performed by her before, which was originally 10 minutes long.

That night as friends, family and strangers came out to support, we all witnessed an actress who took her theatre skills to a new level. Barima skilfully managed to adopt the persona of a multitude of characters, switching between roles numerous times and giving us insights into characters from different racial backgrounds, all with varying ages & genders. She used these roles to describe the lives of many and how they'd feel if the world ended tomorrow.

From Amir who was sent to prison for manslaughter to Dermaine who seemed like he had unresolved issues and, by the reception and ongoing laughter of the crowd, the audiences favourite, Shewayway, plus many more; Natalie was able to stretch herself to embody these roles and tell the stories of each character and their mishaps.

With practically just a chair, hoodie and a nail file, the 27 year old actress entertained us all as she delivered each monologue and made everyone in the the theatre, pause, think and feel.  What if tomorrow was Pre Judgement day? What would you change? Who would you forgive? Who would you reach out to? So many questions with very little time to find the answers.

It takes a tremendous amount of talent to perform how Natalie did when she took to the spotlight and embraced each character whilst keeping the attention of the audience. The question on everyone's lips at the end of the night was simply, "when will the next show be?"

By @Oloni
Edited by @EzekielThePoet 

Monday, 10 February 2014

Top 3 Valentine's Day Ideas


What's better than using this time to buy the sexiest pieces of lingerie? From Ann Summers, Victoria's Secret and ASOS, there's something for every girl out there to surprise her Mr with.


               
VS Bombshell Limited Edition


 VS Mesh & Lace Gartier Slip

        Black VS Very Sexy Black Strappy Push Up Bra.


For any questions about any Victoria's Secret Tweet my awesome friend @Sayonaisee (she's got the hook up)


 ASOS Red Pour Moi Red Addicted Set £12

              ASOS Von Follies By Dita Von Teese Leading Lady Bustier £60

         ASOS Elle Macpherson Intimates Just For You Underwire Bra £65


  Ann Summers Klaudia Rose Gold Cami Suspender £35


 Ann Summers Delicious Delights £35

   Ann Summers Dark Romance Black £25

This next one is for the men! Most women love flowers, so before you pick up your last minute roses from the offy around from your work place, try harder by impressing her with a beautiful bouquet or roses.
You can make an order from any florists, telling them specifically how you'd like your bouquet to look or online, just in time from sites such as Nextflowers.co.uk

If you do plan on having nothing but great sex, stay indoors and make it exciting. Do and try things you haven't from, sex toys, glasses of wine, playing with fruits, perhaps different flavoured sauces and filling the room with beautiful scented candles. This is probably the only day your neighbours can't complain about the thumping, so enjoy!

Drews Cakes! @DrewsCakesUK


I saw these beautiful cupcakes on my timeline and just had to share them. Aren't they just perfect for this time of year?  

  If you'd like to spoil someone this Valentine's Day make sure you contact Drews Cakes via Twitter @DrewsCakesUK

Pre-Judgement Day

Pre Judgement Day will be taking place at 7.30pm Thursday, 20th February 2014 at the New Heritage Theatre.  Written by Natalie Twum Barima. . for more information follow @nh_theatre or @Natalie_tb

Sunday, 2 February 2014

My Sweet Valentine

Single's must really HATE Valentine's Day, or probably just don't care for it. Who knows? It's as almost as if this time of year was set out to be a taboo for them. 

I remember when rapper Wale once tweeted:

'Feb 14 is national “I’m-Jealous-Of-Everybody-In-A-Happy-Relationship" day'.

Valentine's day is a beautiful day and those outside a relationship forget this. Whereas those in relationships may feel as though the day is all about their chance to celebrate their relationship. Wrong, in my opinion anyway. Valentine's day, is a day where we are supposed to simply spread love and generosity however we choose to.

It's not only meant for those who have paired off and been together for a few months to a few years, because in reality, shouldn't you be doing these things most days anyway? This shouldn't be the only day you use to buy your partner roses or show the world via Instagram how great your boyfriend or girlfriend is. 

I see it this way, Feb 14th should be a date where those who have been 'talking' or dating someone for some time use this as an opportunity to make it special. It doesn't even have to be romantic, but just a beautiful gesture between two friends or even a crush.

Take that guy out on a date who you met once and has now been in your Twitter mentions several times in the last couple months. (Unless he's a creeper)

Ask the girl out in your class who you rarely speak to, but always smile at and say 'Hi' to.

As over hyped as this day may be, I'd be a liar if I said I didn't want gifts. You're damn right I do. I want flowers, chocolates and a card just like every other holiday.

But Valentine's Day is more than the show couples try and put on to make the world stop & stare. It's a day representing love and a day we need to appreciate love.

What are your opinions on V-Day? Tweet them with the hashtag #OlonisBlog and join in the conversation! 

........Next week, read my Top 3 Valentine's Day ideas. (Oooh I can see the guys gripping onto their seats for this!!!

By @Oloni
Edited by @EzekielThePoet